A Horribly Deformed Rendition
by Spork Master G
Summary: MY version of Blues Clues. What would REALLY happnen if it wasn't a "CHILDS" program.


AN: heh heh heh...wow, I sound like one of those creepy old men that are all perverted. OK, this idea came to me after watching NICK JR. with my 3 year old nephew. Basically, a distorted version of the most beloved shows in that time slot.  
  
BLUE'S GOD DAMN CLUES  
  
Joe sat on the thinking chair. Joe was thinking. What a surprise. Suddenly, e felt something warm on his leg.  
  
"DAMN IT, BLUE! I'm tired of you peeing on everything in the house! No wonder Steve left." he said harshly to the unnaturally blue dog near his leg. "I've come to a desiscion. I'm putting you to sleep."  
  
The blue dog sat there in confusion. He was the star, not that dumbass that sat in the chair. If anyone wre to be put to sleep, it should be Joe.  
  
"Grrrr..."groweld Blue.  
  
"Fuck off," replied Joe, disinterestedly. Blue narrowed her eyes at him. "Hey, Blue. Since you are gonna be poisened tomorrow, let's play Blue's Clues one last time to find out what your last wish is."  
  
Blue thought an evil thought to herself. She laughed a doggy laugh that was filled with hatred for the man in the blue sweater. Blue took off through the house.  
  
Joe yawned and went over to side table drawer.  
  
"Oh...Hi, Joe..." Side table drawer said, fawning over Joe.  
  
"Yeah, whatever, now get me my god damn handy dandy notebook, bitch," commanded Joe. Side table drawer complied and got it for him. "Now to find that stupid blue dog..." me mummbled on his way through the kitchen.  
  
Salt and Pepper seemed to be having an argument.  
  
"...now you're gonna get the abortion cuz there's no way in hell I'm gonan raise a little bastard that's not mine...!" the husband said angrily.  
  
"No! I'm gonna keep my baby and there's nothing you can do about it you pompous, french snob," she told her husband.  
  
"Yes you will, bitch!" and he backhanded her across the kitchen counter. She laid there and reached up to feel her face. There was a crack going down her salt container body.  
  
"You...bastard...!" she choked out. She stormed away.  
  
"FINE! Go, you stupid wench!" the pepper man screamed at his wife. "You'll be back!!"  
  
Joe saw this drama and decided to follow Salt, but, he didn't know where to go so he decided to ask some pre- schooler's for help.  
  
"Did you kids see where Mrs. Salt went?"  
  
"We don't care," the children answered. "Now go get us some god damn apple juice."  
  
Joe narrowed his eyes at the kids and walked on. They were no help. He found Salt by th bridge in his yard that wasn't there before.  
  
"Hey, Salt, are you OK?"  
  
"I'm fine, Joe," Salt answered through tears.  
  
"Why don't you stop by my room later, we'll talk all about it," Joe offered.  
  
"Ok," she answered quietly.  
  
Joe walks off and passes Pail and Shovel playing with some knives. There is a clue on one of the knives.  
  
"Joe, Joe!! A clue!!" the children shout.  
  
"Where? On Pail??"  
  
"No, you idiot! There on the knives!!"  
  
Joe walks over and starts drawing a knife in his "Handy Dandy Notebook."  
  
"A knife. Now let's go find another clue."  
  
Joe walks away as Pail and Shovel start trying to stab one another with the knives.  
  
"AGHHH," one of them yell as Joe walks away.  
  
Eventually, Joe ends up back in the house. He's walking through the living room when he notices Boris, his stuffed Duck.  
  
"Hey, Boris, why do you have that blue foot print on you," he asked the inanimate object.  
  
"It's a clue, Joe. Please stop talking to the stuffed animal. It is not going to answer you back," the children answer bordely.  
  
"I knew that," Joe states trying to play it off.  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Joe draws Boris into his"Handy Dandy Notebook".  
  
"Come one kids, let's keep going. The sooner we find the last clue, the sooner we get that flea infested mutt outta this house," he tells the kids who don't wanna be there.  
  
Blue is suddenly there and "skadoo's" into a picture frame. Joe doesn't "Skadoo" after him. "Skadooing" hurts Joe's back.  
  
He continues to walk through the house and see's that the picture of him and blue has a paw print on it.  
  
Joe draws the a cartoony looking drawing of him and blue in the "Handy Dandy Notebook."  
  
"We found all the clue.."he says not really notcing that they found all the clue. "Hey! We found them all and Blue is going to die!! This is awesome!!"  
  
Joe runs over to his thinking chair and talks to the children about the clues.  
  
"Hmmm...What could they mean??" Joe asked puzzledly.  
  
"They mean Blue wants Boris to stab you with the knife." The children state like they'd do anything just to leave.  
  
". . ." was Joe's answer. "OK, come on, Blue! We're going to the vet!" he says happily. "Or we can do it just like Old Yeller. Would you like that?"  
  
Blue grumbles something and follows Joe to his car.  
  
THE END  
  
AN: That wasn't that funny, was it? I didn't think so. I just had nothing to do and decided to write this. I might do one of these of OSWALD. What kind of freak goes to the store to buy 1 marshmallow?? 


End file.
